A little bit emotional.

I know I already posted once today but I think I just need to write out some thoughts. There is one thing that continues to go through my mind lately is how can one person have so many thoughts and feelings at one time. How can I be sad and in tears but still feel joy and excitement. I guess I should take some time to explain.
You see about 8-9 months ago I went through something very hard. I lost something very precious to me. I wasn't expecting for that long but had already grown attached and absolutely loved what God had blessed my family with. The only thing is I never really felt like I was expecting. I just didn't really feel sick or tired like I had with the first. But I took a test and it was positive. My husband and I were both very excited. But all to soon (within the next week) it all came to a crashing end. I started to spot and then I started to cramp and then I bled heavy. My heart also started with a little spot of tears but soon turned to desperate tears of fear, anger, and pain. I was in the middle of losing something that is very precious to me, my child. I walked through this time and came to a place where I was ok again. I mean there were times I was hit with something that triggered tears and pain, but I was learning to live again.
It was just a few short months after this time of loss that we found out we were once again with child. I cried and cried and cried. I had so much fear and didn't really know that I wanted what was given to me at that time. It was too soon to our loss. How was I suppose to be able to get through this time. I felt that I should be excited but at the same time I had so much fear of losing my child yet once again. I lived in fear and agony for the first several weeks. We also had some other changes in our lives at this time. We finally closed on the house and were painting and getting ready to move in. Was now really the time for finding out that I was expecting. I thought no but God chose this time. So I backed off helping to much with the painting and instead ran errands and did other things like that. I had to take care of myself and my baby. I knew if anything happened to this baby I would blame myself for pushing myself too far. Well 12 weeks came and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. That was the best thing that could have happened for me. It helped relieve some of my fears and worries. I now felt that I could start to enjoy this life that was forming and growing inside of me.
But then about 6 weeks or so before my due date for my first baby I started dealing with a lot of hurting and pain again in my life but at the same time I was happy and joyful for the baby that was coming. I never realized that one person can have such extreme emotions at the same time. The only way I have weathered it through this time in my life is to learn to trust God in new ways. I don't understand what He is doing but I just want to trust him. The actual date was last Friday and I was surprised how well I did. That day a dear friend of mine came over and helped me plant my garden. I was excited to see new things growing. My husband and I also took some time that afternoon and planted our tree that we bought as a memorial tree in memory of our baby. I pray that this tree grows to be strong and healthy. We planted it in our back yard where I can see it through the windows in the kitchen. It is helping to serve as a reminder of what God has brought me through.
Last night and today I have been dealing with a bit more emotion. My husband and I were going through pictures last night and we came upon pictures of that time in our life. The birthday party where we announced that we were expecting, the day we went to the dam to say goodbye to what remained of our baby. These all just brought on fresh tears. I will be honest that I cried a good cry again last night. Today I had some friends come over for lunch. It was a beautiful thing. My one friend has a baby. He is about 7 months old. I got to hold him while he was sleeping. It was so precious just to be able to love and hold her baby. I know to many it might not make sense as to why a 7 month old would bring tears to my eyes, but it did and I am ok with that. I have read several books and know that it is still ok to feel this way. I know and trust that God is my Rock and God of Comfort. I know that he is helping me through this time.
I also know that as the day approaches nearer and nearer for this coming baby I am filled with joy that I will be able to love and hold this one that God has blessed us with. I thank God for being in the middle of all my emotions and feelings. I am glad that he is the one who is in control. I am glad that I can cast all my burdens upon him, for he cares for me. I am learning through each step I take that each life that God blesses us with as parents is a precious gift. I know that there are days when I get highly frustrated with my 2 year old but I just want to remember those days and times as blessings. I also look forward to the day I get to be reunited with the child I lost here on earth but who is safe in the arms of Christ.

This and That

Last night after going through some old photo albums and realizing it had been a little over a year since we have printed any pictures my husband and I spent some time going through our folders and folders of pictures on the computer picking out pictures that we would like to include in our photo albums. Sometimes I think that photo albums are a little boring and I wish that I could be a little more creative with them but I just don't feel like that creative of a person. I think it would be fun and great to scrapbook but I lack the skills to get it done. I just wouldn't even know how to start. Well anyway maybe some day I will be brave enough to give it a try.
Going through all the pictures of the last year was fun but some pictures were also very hard. There were pictures of our move from main street to living with our friends for 5 months, many cute and adorable pictures of our son, pictures of a friend's birthday where we announced that we were pregnant and then the pictures that followed our miscarriage late last August. Although it was good to see all these pictures it brought pain and tears to me.
You see this past weekend I passed the due date for our heavenly baby. The day was beautiful. And friend of mine came over and helped me plant my garden, and then my husband and I planted a tree in memory of our baby. It was also a very painful thing to do, but it was also what I needed for that day. I thank God for the peace that he gave me on that day. I know that as time continues to pass that there will be certain things that will trigger my tears and emotions, but most of all I am learning more and more how to deal with the thoughts and feelings of our loss. I also know that it is ok to feel these emotions and feelings. I know that someday I will get to meet our baby in heaven.
I am also filled with joy and gratitude for the little man that is growing inside of me. I can't believe that I am already in my third trimester. The feeling of the baby moving inside of me at all hours of the day is the most amazing thing ever. I look forward to the day that I get to meet this little man. I know that it will be a day filled with love, joy, tears, and many emotions. I am trusting God that everything will be ok with this little guy and I know that he will be a blessing to many because he has been such a blessing to me and my family already.