Many, Many Thoughts

It has been nearly a month now that I have experienced one of the most painful experiences in my life that I think I have ever been through. I lost my dear, precious baby whom we had known only existed for a week in our lives. I was actually 5 weeks pregnant when it happened. I was very excited about having another baby, and so quickly the excitement turned to fear, anger, sadness, and depression. For several days in a row all I did was cry, even waking during the night because of the emotional pain. It just felt like something was ripped out of my heart and life, someone who I had already fallen in love with.
Several days after the miscarriage was happening, we chose to name our baby. Our baby has been named Ashor. Ashor means "happy and blessed." Happy and blessed is what our child is in the presence of our Father.
A friend of mine also went through a miscarriage this year. She was here right by my side all through this time. We talked, cried(or she let me cry), and screamed our way through the first several days. Oh how my heart ached for what I was never going to be able to have to hold and love here on earth. You know it didn't make sense to me about what was going on, but I just knew that my Heavenly Father was there with me through the whole thing. He carried me in a way I have never experienced before. I can atest to the fact that I am where I am right now is because of the love of Jesus. He loved us so much that He gave His son for us as a sacrifice for our sins. Can you imagine the incredible amount of pain he must have went through during this time? I know the pain I have been through with this, and I know that it can't even compare to what pain my heavenly Father has experienced. I have a friend who helped me to realize this through this time. I thank you for making this realization to me. It was greatly appreciated. I know that I am not alone in this. I have many friends, family, and church family who have just loved me through this. But most importantly God is right here by my side. He continues to love me and hold my hand through ever day.
Of course I still think about these events in my life. I have had thoughts today about the fact that I should be 9 weeks pregnant right now, getting closer to the end of my first trimester. Instead I am not pregnant and grieving the loss of my child. I have wanted something physical to commemorate my child, something to hold close to my heart and life forever. I went into a jewelry store yesterday and chose a pendant that I will be able to wear on a chain and never forget my dear, precious child.

Life's Stesses

Why oh why do I let life stress me out so badly. I feel like the last week has been pretty stressful, especially the last 1 1/2 to 2 days. I just feel like I loose control of my emotional side of me and can't seem to find it again. It is usually the littlest thing that triggers me. What is going on? God what is wrong with me? Why do I let life stress me out so much? Why don't I just reach out and trust you through it?
Wow what a bunch of crazy questions running through my mind and heart. You know there are times in life where I feel completely out of control with my thoughts and emotions. I know I don't often take the time to think before I speak. I just snap at the smallest things. Where do I go with this area of my life. The only thing that keeps coming back to my mind is trusting God through it all.
Trusting God is a constant thing in my life that I need to keep a check on. I feel like there are times where I can completely trust Him, and the next time I am wondering how I got away from the trust I had in Him or how to trust Him in the situation. I know He loves me. I know He is my Abba Father, my Daddy, my Caretaker through every path of life. I just want to come to a place where I have a constant trust in Him. No doubts, no questions, and not necessarily any answers, just pure trust in the Lord Jesus Christ for who He is and what I are going to be taught through a certain situation.
So I place before you a challenge, in what ways can we come to trust God complete at all times through all of life's stresses? How can we maintain a constancy in the way we live our lives for Christ? Can we together find this path to complete trust? How do we just come to a place and say, "God I know that you are going to take care of us through this time. I am not even going to question you in this situation that I am going through, because trusting you is the sweetest thing I could ever do."
Lord this is the cry of my heart to come to trust you completely in every day whether it is good or bad, every situation that we run into throughout life, in relationships, among many other things in life.

Pain

When I see someone I love going through pain it makes my heart hurt. I just want to take that hurt from them and give back to them whatever has made them so sad, but in each and every situation that is usually an impossible thing to do. I don't like to feel helpless, and I don't like to see others hopeless. I just want to give them everything they have lost, everything they have needed, but in my humanness that is not possible. Only God can give them everything they need. I can be there to love them, to listen to them, encourage them, do for them whatever I can do and give them to God and entrust them to His care. He knows what is best for His people, but that doesn't keep me from asking questions. (Why does one have to go through so much pain in life? What is the purpose for it? Why does it seem like the same people are continuously being challenged with more things than I could handle at one time? It seems like when one thing happens, then there are many to follow.

These are questions that I can continue to allow to plague my mind, or these are questions I can choose to give to God. I know that I will never truely understand why pain is allowed in life, but I do know that I need to trust God through it all. I know that going through pain and hurt have something to do with our human nature but it doesn't entirely make sense to me. One day I will understand; that is the day I get to see my Heavenly Father and never will have to worry about pain and suffering again. What a wonderful thought.

A verse that kind of reminds me that God is in the things we go through is as follows: "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them(Romans 8:28)." Although most of those hurts and pains don't make sense right away, I want to trust God that something good will come out of it.

So to all of those that I love, I wish I could take away the pain that you face, the heartaches that you have. Remember that I love you, and I am here for you whatever you go through.

Growing Up

I have had so many thoughts in the past couple of days about my son. My son just turned 17 months yesterday. He was a late walker, and now he is running around. It really freaks me out when I look at him and see that he is no longer a baby but a little boy who is constantly busy. He has recently started to understand so many things I say to him it is almost scary. Here I have been entrusted with this little man to raise him in a way that is pleasing to God. I want so much for him to grow up knowing God as his personal Lord and Savior, but sometimes I see how my own life is and I wonder how God entrusted this little one to me to raise him to serve him because frankly the way i lead life is pretty ugly sometimes. That is what scares me the most. I know that I am forever being changed by my Heavenly Father, but how willing am I to let him change me. I know that I am more willing to let him change me when things aren't going very well for me, but when life is going well I sometimes forget to praise God in the moment. So I see at this point and time in my life where I need to make changes that are constant. Some of those changes include seeking God on a daily basis, not forgetting to praise God in the good times, and talking to my son on a daily basis about how much God loves him. This to me is a huge challenge, but I don't have a choice but to do it if I want to see what is best for my son.