Coming out of dormancy!

Months have gone by, thoughts have come and gone. Discipline is something I feel God is calling my life to. Discipline involving so many areas.
First God is calling me to come to a place of daily seeking him. This is something I have struggled with in my life a whole lot. I will do really well for awhile and then I just won't do it just because I don't take the time to do it. Not sure where the pricking of my heart came from this time but I have several friends who are praying for me and holding me accountable to spending time with God. Several verses that were given to me on my quest to become disciplined in my time with God were
Anyone who believes in me may come and drink! For the Scriptures declare, ‘Rivers of living water will flow from his heart. John 7:38 and Psalm 119:18 Open my eyes to see the wonderful truths in your instructions. That has been my prayer for several days now. God I just want to see your truths come so true in my life.
Another area of discipline God has been working on me in is doing my gratitude list. Until this morning, it has been weeks since I have chosen to write in it. I am in a ladies small group at my church and we have been going through the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. It has been a challenging book in my life but I haven't actually taken the discipline to write down gratitude. There are so many places in God's Word where it talks about being joyful or giving thanks. This week in my study in Philippians has just shown me a few of those verses. As I continue on this journey with discovering gratitude, I believe I will be rereading this book and I will also be joining the online community they have. Its just one way that I can hold myself accountable.
Discipline is such a hard thing to maintain in my life. Discipline is something that is a choice, and these are two areas in my life where I am making the choice to become disciplined in.

Living a Full Life

Recently I have been going through a book study with ladies from church. The book is called One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voscamp. The dare is to live life fully where you are. The challenge is "eucharisteo," thanksgiving. Its having joy wherever you are or whatever the situation is. Wherever being here, whenever being now.
This book has been a huge, personal challenge to me. It is so hard to always think with thanksgiving in everything. Its so hard for me to look for something to be thankful for when I am in a hurry or when the kids aren't behaving. I forget it so easy. Thanksgiving is a hard thing to live by. Finding joy in everything no matter what, no matter where even a bigger challenge to me.
I marvel at the fact that in a situation where one of the author's children is hurt in a farm accident, she starts thinking immediately where the joy can be found in that moment. After writing this list for so long it has just become such a part of her.
Tonight we went to our local county fair for the demolition derby. We took our boys with us. We sat in the grandstands for awhile and then went and got dinner. As we were sitting down to dinner they announced over the loud speaker that they were looking for a 7 year old little boy who was missing and they were giving a description of him. I looked at my husband and said "I can't ever imagine the sick feeling I would get if I knew any of my boys were missing." Our conversation continued with me asking Edwin "If Jabez were to go missing tonight would he know how to describe what he was wearing?" Edwin said "No."
We headed back to the grandstand for the rest of our evening. We decided we wanted ice cream right away and it was decided that I would go get the ice cream while Edwin took the boys and put the stroller away. As I was coming back from getting the ice cream I spotted Edwin going upstairs to our seats. I saw that he had Dakota but Jabez wasn't near him. I asked him if he knew where he was. He said he didn't. I immediately panicked . I started walking around yelling his name looking desperately for him. I was in tears because I allowed myself to go there and get all out of hand with my emotions. I called out for him and asked other people if they had seen a little boy, that my son was missing. Everybody just kind of looked at me funny. I turned around and looked up the stairs to see a little boy standing at the top of the stairs with a cop. I noticed right away that it was Jabez. At the same time Edwin showed up again after taking Dakota to our friends. I told Edwin he was up the stairs. As we got closer I could hear Jabez saying "where's my daddy, where's my daddy?" The cop was saying "what's your daddy's name?" At about that time we reached the top of the stairs and I grabbed him up in my arms and said " We are here, you are safe now."
We continued on to our seat. That is where I continued to cry for a bit and tried to gather myself. And then it struck me, where was my joy in this situation? How could everything have gone differently for myself had I thought about eucharisteo first before becoming all uptight. I have found the joy in finding my son. I have found the joy that he was around a cop. I have found the joy in God's protection of him. But my challenge for myself in this situation is to come to a place where I approach it differently next time. I want to live a full life. I want to live a life of thanksgiving. I want to live a life of complete joy. I want to learn to live fully in whatever situation no matter what it may be.
Eucharisteo...living fully where you are in joy and thanksgiving.

The Glue that Holds Us Together

Today during our worship time at church they were playing a video by Louie Giglio about something in our bodies we call laminin. Laminin is the protein in our body that is vital to making sure overall body structures hold together. I didn't know that there was something like this in our body. When I saw the first picture that was presented, my jaw dropped to the floor.
It amazes me to see how God would take something in our body and form its molecular structure in the shape of a cross. Slain is how I am. I am awed and marveled at the ways of God.
Colossians 1:17 states "He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." God holds us together with this substance called laminin. It is in the shape of the place he took sacrifice for you and me. Thank you Lord for your great sacrifice. Thank you Lord for your beauty. Thank you Lord for laminin, the glue that holds us all together.

Rejection

All we need to create an environment for rejection is relationship(cited in Beth Moore's Fruit of the Spirit Bible Study) Rejection is something that I have encountered many times in my personal life. It hurts so bad, so bad. While doing this study with Beth Moore and listening to her speak about rejection, I was having a really hard time not sobbing.
Rejection has hurt me in so many ways by so many people. When I feel rejection it makes me clam up, and makes me want to hide from everybody. It makes me want to not be vulnerable with anybody anymore. It makes me hate relationships. It brings sadness.
Being in a relationship with someone, anyone, takes hard work. It takes sacrifice. It takes vulnerability, but most importantly it takes love. Love is a term that we throw out there very loosely. I love to eat, I love to be around people, I love pretty flowers...etc. You get what I mean. Love can be self-seeking, it can be friendship love, but the one God calls us to is agape love. Agape always flows from what is right and best. Agape is not as much a feeling as a response. Agape is not fueled by the desire of its recipient; it is fueled by the need(all cited again in Beth Moore's study) God commands us to an agape love.
So my prayer today is that I learn to love without abandon in everything. I pray that rejection is something of my past that won't stop me from being vulnerable with people. I want to learn to love people as God does. So as I close I will just leave you with a passage.
I Corinthians 13
¹ If I could speak all the languages of earth and of angels, but didn’t love others, I would only be a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I had the gift of prophecy, and if I understood all of God’s secret plans and possessed all knowledge, and if I had such faith that I could move mountains, but didn’t love others, I would be nothing. ³ If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it;^[a] but if I didn’t love others, I would have gained nothing.

⁴ Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud ⁵ or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. ⁶ It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. ⁷ Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

⁸ Prophecy and speaking in unknown languages^[b] and special knowledge will become useless. But love will last forever! ⁹ Now our knowledge is partial and incomplete, and even the gift of prophecy reveals only part of the whole picture! ¹⁰ But when full understanding comes, these partial things will become useless.

¹¹ When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. ¹² Now we see things imperfectly as in a cloudy mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity.^[c] All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God now knows me completely.

¹³ Three things will last forever—faith, hope, and love—and the greatest of these is love.

A Little Boy's Nightmare Becomes a Reality

Yesterday morning I was awoken to the sound of my 4 year old crying in terror. It was a cry I have never heard. I got up as fast as I could and went into his room. I grabbed him out of his bed and headed towards the living room. (Didn't really want to wake up the 21 month old yet). I got him to a place where I finally got him calmed down enough to talk to me about what was going on. He told me that he had a bad dream. So I asked him about his dream. He told me that daddy broke the car. I probed a bit further to see what was there. He continued to say that daddy broke the car by hitting a van. I explained to him that daddy was safe and at work and that daddy was ok. It didn't really seem to calm him much more. So I told him we would just pray. So we prayed that daddy would be safe, that daddy wouldn't get hurt. We prayed for protection over daddy as he drove. After praying for awhile, he seemed to come to a place of peace. I shoved off the dream, not thinking to much about it again. I did tell a few friends about the dream he had. They thought it was kind of interesting.
Well today came about and my husband was on his way home from work. I had called him and talked to him seeing when he would be home. Being as we don't live to far from where he works, I knew it wouldn't be too long before he came home. I was still at the neighbors when I had called him and didn't figure I would be back at the house when he got home. I was really surprised when I came home and he still wasn't here. I gave thought to and even wondered where or what could be keeping him. Then I remembered he said something about stopping and getting a shake on his way home. Not too long after that thought I got a phone call from him saying that he had been in an accident and that he needed me to come with the insurance information to give to the police. The only problem was, the boys were asleep for their naps. I quickly ran over to the neighbors again and summoned out my friend and asked her to come over to watch the kids cause my husband was in an accident and needed me.
There are several things about this accident that blows my mind. First of all, my sons dream became a reality today. It was pretty much as he had said, my husband "broke" the car by hitting a van. I believe God gave my son a prophecy yesterday and it was fulfilled today. I feel that God may have given it to him to teach us all a lesson. Don't ever take any dream like that lightly. To really seek his face in times as such. I don't really know much about prophecy, maybe this is something God is asking me to learn more about. I believe we prayed for a protection that only our heavenly Father could have brought about. I mean he could have been T-boned, he could have been going fast enough to split the telephone poll my husband came to a rest at after he got hit by the van.
Another thing I want to praise God for is having my friend come home from work early on a day she was suppose to work until late. If she hadn't been there, not sure what I would have done. God has shown himself faithful once again to our family and for that I am eternally grateful.
I want to be more aware of what my Father is doing around me at all times. I want to really seek God out and know if prophecy is something he wants me to study more of. I want to listen to what my little men have to say and really take it to heart. Thank you Lord for your faithfulness to us.

Saul and David

The other day I was reading in I Samuel 24 where Saul has been in search of David trying to kill him. Saul goes into a cave to relieve himself. It just so happened that this cave he chose also is where David and his men were hiding. Now here is the passage that I am speaking about.

¹ After Saul returned from fighting the Philistines, he was told that David had gone into the wilderness of En-gedi. ² So Saul chose 3,000 elite troops from all Israel and went to search for David and his men near the rocks of the wild goats. ³ At the place where the road passes some sheepfolds, Saul went into a cave to relieve himself. But as it happened, David and his men were hiding farther back in that very cave! ⁴ “Now’s your opportunity!” David’s men whispered to him. “Today the Lord is telling you, ‘I will certainly put your enemy into your power, to do with as you wish.’” So David crept forward and cut off a piece of the hem of Saul’s robe. ⁵ But then David’s conscience began bothering him because he had cut Saul’s robe. ⁶ “The Lord knows I shouldn’t have done that to my lord the king,” he said to his men. “The Lord forbid that I should do this to my lord the king and attack the Lord’s anointed one, for the Lord himself has chosen him.” ⁷ So David restrained his men and did not let them kill Saul. After Saul had left the cave and gone on his way, ⁸ David came out and shouted after him, “My lord the king!” And when Saul looked around, David bowed low before him. ⁹ Then he shouted to Saul, “Why do you listen to the people who say I am trying to harm you? ¹⁰ This very day you can see with your own eyes it isn’t true. For the Lord placed you at my mercy back there in the cave. Some of my men told me to kill you, but I spared you. For I said, ‘I will never harm the king—he is the Lord’s anointed one.’ ¹¹ Look, my father, at what I have in my hand. It is a piece of the hem of your robe! I cut it off, but I didn’t kill you. This proves that I am not trying to harm you and that I have not sinned against you, even though you have been hunting for me to kill me. ¹² “May the Lord judge between us. Perhaps the Lord will punish you for what you are trying to do to me, but I will never harm you. ¹³ As that old proverb says, ‘From evil people come evil deeds.’ So you can be sure I will never harm you. ¹⁴ Who is the king of Israel trying to catch anyway? Should he spend his time chasing one who is as worthless as a dead dog or a single flea? ¹⁵ May the Lord therefore judge which of us is right and punish the guilty one. He is my advocate, and he will rescue me from your power!”

¹⁶ When David had finished speaking, Saul called back, “Is that really you, my son David?” Then he began to cry. ¹⁷ And he said to David, “You are a better man than I am, for you have repaid me good for evil. ¹⁸ Yes, you have been amazingly kind to me today, for when the Lord put me in a place where you could have killed me, you didn’t do it. ¹⁹ Who else would let his enemy get away when he had him in his power? May the Lord reward you well for the kindness you have shown me today. ²⁰ And now I realize that you are surely going to be king, and that the kingdom of Israel will flourish under your rule. ²¹ Now swear to me by the Lord that when that happens you will not kill my family and destroy my line of descendants!”

²² So David promised this to Saul with an oath. Then Saul went home, but David and his men went back to their stronghold.

This passage really spoke to me in several ways. One that we should always try to listen to what God is telling us. Sometimes we are just so set on doing what "we" want to do and no matter what God says we go ahead and do it. I just think of how differently David's life would have turned out had he followed through on the prompting of his men to take the opportunity to kill Saul. Instead, David took this situation and turned it for good. He humbled himself and spoke face to face with Saul about what he could have done to him but he chose to do what he felt God would see as the right thing.
Another thing this passage brought out to me was how important it is to live your life in such a way that people can tell you are different because of what the Spirit is doing inside of you. God is and always will be faithful to you who are faithful to him. Look to him for direction. Listen for his voice. He will show you which way you should go.
I want to be a woman who listens to God's voice and not just what, I, myself wants to do. I often fail at this in life. I chose to go my own way, do my own thing. Lord my you continue to bring conviction into my heart.

At the heart of Death

There is something that has been on my heart a lot in the last couple of weeks, death. It happens in a blink of an eye. One moment someone you love is there and the next moment they are not.
One of my good friends said goodbye to their little baby girl at full term even before she opened her eyes. The significance of that is I didn't actually find out about it until the day and the exact time they were really saying goodbye for good during her funeral. I heard about it on Facebook. I read. I cried. I screamed. I grieved for my friends. I can't even imagine what an experience like that would be like. I keep trying to think of what it might be like to carry around your baby for nine months being sick and feeling the kicks and then nothing. One amazing thing through it all is our heavenly Father. He was speaking to them even before this day happened. He gave them certain scripture that now makes sense in everything that happens. They have their faith. They have their family. But most of all they have a heavenly Father who promises to never leave or forsake them. I know personally their will be amazing growth in me through this, but I look forward to the things this teaches to my friends.
My parents also lost friends close to them. It was Monday. My Jabez's birthday. I was once again reading facebook updates when I came across something I am sure my mom would have mentioned had she known. I make the call and make sure my mom knows that some really close friends of theirs were killed instantly in a head on collision the day before. The world stops for a moment while my mom soaks it in and then there are the tears. A couple was snatched away from this like together. I think how amazing that must be to be able to meet our heavenly Father with your soul mate here on Earth. There is no missing your spouse because they are gone and you are not. They were a couple who were filled greatly with the spirit of God. They have left quite a legacy for others.
And then yet another tragedy strikes my parents. A man my daddy has known for over 40 years was found slumped over in his pickup. He said early in the week he wasn't feeling well. His energy just wasn't there, but he assured his wife that if this was his time he was ready to go. They made the doctor's appointment but they never made it there. My daddy talked about it last night chocking back tears. Oh how my heart hurts for my parents and all that they have been through in the last few weeks.
What is my time? What is my day? It is never revealed to us. That is why we must remain in him. Pursue your heavenly Father with abandonment. Seek whatever he may have for you. Share the love of Jesus with as many people as you can. Make your life a contagious life that others want what you have. That is my desire.

Its been 2 months and counting!

I can't believe its been over two months since I have posted. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years have all come and gone. I am still trying to piece together all the God wants from me in this new year. I guess I should really take time and just listen to him and figure it out being as today is the 5th already.
But something that is huge on my heart is how much I feel totally overwhelmed between yesterday and today about how much God has really shown up. Dakota had been sick with a cold and cough for about two weeks and just a few days ago it seemed to all clear up! I have so many praises that I am just going to make this post a post of praise.
1. Dakota seems to have just been healed of his cold and cough out of the blue. Wasn't sure we were gonna be able to do the whole surgery thing.
2. The roads were safe to travel on to and from Ft. Wayne...i.e., no snow.
3. My husband, my best friend, and my parents were there to support us in the day of Dakota's second surgery.
4. Surgery went without a hitch.
5. When we first got to see Dakota after surgery he was already totally out in a deep sleep. He slept for two hours.
6. The peace that God gave me even coming up to the surgery and the day of the surgery still amazes me. Last time I didn't even want to talk about it, it stressed me out so bad.
7. After Dakota slept for his two hours we went back into his room. The child was angry because I didn't give him his sippy right away( I had to get it filled first). The child drank and drank and drank. And then we decided to try food. He ate jello, sherbet, and a plate full of mac and cheese. Wow, I was so shocked and amazed.
8. We got to come home 9 hours after we got to the hospital in the first place.
9. Dakota slept all night long, which means I slept all night long!
10. Dakota has gone all day with no pain meds. He has been playing and running around just like he never had surgery. It does frighten me to see him running and falling knowing he has stitches in his mouth but you definitely cannot hold down a 17 month old.
I am just praising God over and over for his amazing hand on my last two days. I also want to thank all of my friends and family who prayed for us in this time. Thank you.