One Year Anniversary

Today is the one year anniversary of the loss of our baby. It is hard to believe that it has been a year already. I don't feel real emotional about today, in fact I have been given just a wonderfully joyful day today. I woke up and look outside and saw the sunshine and my heart just started singing "Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day. I have a wonderful feeling that God is gonna bless this day. " I just can't get God off my mind today. I have seen him in every step that I have taken today. I had a really great morning with the boys and my heart just continued to sing praises to our risen Lord and King.
This afternoon while the boys have been asleep I have finished reading my first two chapters of this book called "Crazy Love." The second chapter is really calling us to not forget who God is and what He has done for us. It is calling us to make him the most important thing in our lives. It is calling us to not forget how intricately he has made our bodies and how everything works together to give us another day. I am just kind of stuck on this right now. I can't get out of my mind how much I forget God in my daily life. I chose to push him in the back corner and not worship him. I wish everyday were like today where I would wake with a heart praising God and for it to continue throughout the day. It doesn't just need to be a wish, it needs to become a part of my everyday being. I need to chose to let God be in control of my day and for him to work through me in the way that he wants. I need to not worry about the next day cause it hasn't happened yet. I just need to trust God for the here and now. Wow! If I were to live everyday worshiping Him, I wouldn't need to be worried about the time when Christ comes back for me, I would just be ready. No matter what , where, or when.
This is starting to recharge my soul to be more focused on God and all that he has done for me. I so often feel, like right now this is just going through my mind for today, by tomorrow I will forget what God did for me today. I pray that that changes.
As I close there is a song going through my mind and I would like to share that with you....

You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom
Who can fathom the depths of Your love
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty, enthroned above

And I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of You

You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom
Who can fathom the depths of Your love
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty, enthroned above

And I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of You
Yes, I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You

Life....

This weekend turned out to be a pretty great one after getting pretty sick on Friday. Sick enough to call my husband home to take care of me and the kids. I didn't know anyone could get sick so fast. It was crazy. We got lots of friends praying for me and I just proclaim a miraculous healing from God. By Friday night my husband and I and our baby were able to go and enjoy a birthday party. Yes I didn't feel perfect but I had fun. I just thank God for the touch he had on my body.
On Saturday we slept in and did different things around the house to catch up and then went out in the evening with some friends. It is always a thing of do we really want to spend our money going out to eat here. It was worth it because we had a great time of fellowship. Sunday we went to church and then came home and lazed around in the afternoon, and in the evening 2 of my friends and myself headed for a jewelry party at a friends house. It was so nice to get out away from one of the kids and enjoy a night of fun and laughter with girlfriends.
I am looking gratefully forward to the group from church that is starting a book study on a book called "Crazy Love" this week. We will be meeting every other Wednesday until we are finished. There is just a richness about meeting with other women to discuss a book or go through a Bible study. It is something that motivates me. I had the privilege to go through a study on the book of Esther early this summer with 2 other of my friends. It was awesome to spend time talking about things that God had shown us through his word. I am sure in the weeks to come I will have some things to say about the book and my time with the ladies, until then see you next time.

What I imagine canning would be like without the help of a friend

Yesterday I got to can applesauce with a friend of mine. We had a great time while doing it. It is the most productive thing I have done since I have had the baby. I can't even imagine if I had tried to do this on my own. It seems like it would have been a bit out of hand. I can only think of what it would have been like.
1.I am sure while my apples were cooking both my boys would have had great big blow outs requiring my attention for quite awhile. And then I would have come out to find my apples had burnt because of my lack of attention.
2.I can only imagine my toddler running up to me all the while trying to get things done, saying "water, water, water, water." Honey you need to have patience till mommy has a second to get you some. With a return to "water, water, water." Oh the joys of toddlerhood and the lack of their patience!
3. I am sure it would have taken me about 12 hours instead of 4.
4. The baby would want to be held constantly....well I guess that pretty much happened. I pulled out the sling and strapped him to my body and then I could get some things done. I am sure there is also that thing of wanting to be feed constantly also.
5. I would seriously have applesauce everywhere except in the cans where it belongs because my toddler would be pulling at my arm for my attention.

These are just some random thoughts I have now that I have been up for almost 2 hours with a baby that doesn't seem to want to go back to sleep for some odd reason. He usually eats and goes right back to sleep within a half hour but I guess he feels like being a mystery tonight or should I say this morning? I really enjoyed canning yesterday because I finally felt like I was doing something instead of just sitting around holding down the couch, feeding kids, and changing diapers all day. I am still in the recovery mode since having my son so there are still many household things I am not suppose to be doing. I am not a person who usually just sits around and does nothing so this has been a challenge for me. I am also not a person who asks for help with things, and I have had to ask for help and it has been very humbling to do so. I just want to thank everyone who has offered to help me because I can't do it all on my own. I especially want to thank those that have helped me. It is much appreciated. Well now that I have rambled, lets see if I can get my baby back to bed and see myself there also.

Life after two....

Let me just say first of all life with two children is definitely different. What is so different you might ask. Well I will just start by listing the things I believe have changed a lot.
1. My 2 year old has had a really hard time adjusting to the fact that he doesn't get 100% of the attention anymore. This has resulted in being outright disobedient. Choosing to disobey anything mommy or daddy ask him to do.
2. Feeling the pressures of having to discipline so much that you aren't even sure what works anymore. Where is the creativity with discipline without being overbearing?
3. Looking into the face of your perfect baby boy that God has blessed you with.
4. Bathing two babies instead of just 1. Means you need to give more time to get ready for places you need to go.
5. The possibility of having 2 kids waking you up in the middle of the night instead of just one. Which means both parents need to be willing to get up and can't just rely on one cause then you are grouchy the next day and then nothing goes well for sure.
6. Try to get both kids down for a nap at the same time so that you can also get some sleep. You can't just assume it will happen.
7. Learning how to balance house work, baby and spending time with your toddler.
8. Constantly changing diapers! No joke!
9. Being able to see the changes that are happening in my 2 year old since his baby brother is here. You can start to see a love growing inside of him for him. A level of acceptance that is starting to show.
10. Having two kids screaming at the top of their lungs!
So far life after two has been a challenge, but I think I am starting to get a handle on it. I can't wait to see the dynamics in the next couple of months. I think it will be great.

Continuation....

Well I left off right where I got to meet my little guy. I can't even quite describe the moment to you because it was so sweet. It was the moment I had been waiting for and wasn't quite sure how it would be. I don't know that I have ever quite had such joy. I think it all goes back to all the pain we went through almost a year ago at this point. I just remember the pain like it was yesterday, but now I have a beautiful precious gift that God has given me. That is what I call my second born son, a beautiful precious gift from the Lord. My life has been through so much pain, hurt, and unknown in the last year that this is a time I can truly rejoice. God brought me through a pit of despair and now has brought me hope once again. I can't tell you what a blessing this time in my life is right now.
What has God taught me through all of this...
He taught me how to praise him in a really tough and hard time in life like I had never experienced before. He has allowed a good friend of mine and myself to start up a ministry to minister to those that have been hurt through miscarriage. He has given me a heart to be able to know what others experience when they face such a hard time.
He has also brought me through a very emotional pregnancy where all I could do was rely upon him for my every need. I had to reach out to him through this time like never before. I was filled with great fear in the first trimester cause I didn't want to go through a miscarriage again. I didn't think I would be able to handle it again. But once I got to hear my baby's heart beat I started to be able to relax. He also brought me through what was suppose to be my first baby's due date. It was so hard because I experienced every emotion through that time I think that was possible. I couldn't understand how one person could be so happy and filled with joy at one moment for what was to come and just a moment later be weeping in tears cause of what I had lost and would never get to meet here on earth.
Another thing that God has done through this is give me a great longing for the things of heaven. I have a baby up there that gets to be in God's presence every single day and that is where I want to be someday. I can't wait to meet my baby.
God has also given me a husband who has been very supportive through everything that I have been going through in the last year. He doesn't understand the emotions that I go through but he is there to hold me, to listen to me, and just caring for me. I couldn't ever ask for a more loving and supportive husband through all of my emotions.
I just want to praise God again for the wonderful gift of life he has given to us. Our baby is just such a blessing and I thank God for that great blessing. Things in our life have changed and we are learning to adjust to a life of 2 kids. Soon I will write and tell you what that has been like.

A New Post....... Finally...........

Well it has been awhile since I have posted on here. I don't know if it was out of laziness or just because I wasn't sure what to write after my last post. But I have made a decision that if i am going to have a blog I am going to have to keep it updated.
What is new in my life since I last posted....
Well we gave birth to our new little one on July 26, 2009 at 11:31 am. Let me tell you about my moment of meeting my son. It was a moment that I wasn't sure how the experience was going to be in the weeks before he came. I knew that I couldn't wait to meet him but I didn't know how I would feel with everything we have been through in the last year. This pregnancy for me was a very emotional pregnancy, in large to do with the miscarriage we experienced 3 months prior to getting pregnant with our son. Getting pregnant so quickly afterwords was a little overwhelming for me emotionally, and I dealt with this emotion throughout the pregnancy. I also dealt with the approach of my due date for our child that is in heaven in April. That was a process to work through in and of itself as you read in my last post. So throwing all this in there just kind of made me feel that meeting my child was gonna be quite the moment. I just wasn't sure what it would be like.
I experienced lots of discomfort with this pregnancy towards the end, way more than I ever did with my pregnancy with my oldest child. So I was ready weeks before my due date to have it over with but God saw it differently. My due date was the 24th of July and that day came and went. We actually went to the fair to see the rodeo on my due date just to give us something to do. Sitting through the rodeo was tough cause it was uncomfortable to sit there but I made it through. Well the next morning about 2:30 am I started with contractions. My contractions continued throughout the entire day. Sometimes they seemed to be getting more regular but then sometimes they almost seemed to be coming to an end. The hard part about it was where the contractions were. They were mostly in my back and it was quite painful. As Saturday continued we decided to take our son over to our friend's house because things seemed to be progressing and we didn't want to have to wake him up in the middle of the night to take him over there just in case we had to leave for the birthing center. Well we came home and decided to try to get some sleep. I didn't get much sleep but i did get some rest throughout the night. About 4:30 am things picked up and seemed to be getting closer, a longer amount of time, and more and more painful. Well finally around quarter till ten we decided that it was time to head towards the birthing center. It seemed like a long painful ride, but once we got there things progressed quickly. Our midwife broke my water and about an hour and 2o minutes later we met our son. He was placed on my chest and all I could say was how beautiful he was. I didn't know that a baby can come out and be so beautiful. I couldn't stop being in awe of him. I just held him and held him. i didn't want anyone to take him away from me. It was something that I have waited for for so long to meet my baby's face and hold him in my arms. Let me just say it was one of the most memorable moments in my life. I felt so filled with joy. It didn't matter all the pain I had just been through. I was now looking at my baby in the face and was able to admire how God had formed him so perfectly. I could write so much more right now but I just want to get this posted and will continue what I have experienced through this time in my life.