Still waiting......

Well we are still at the spot of waiting. Waiting on God to do something about a home in our lives. I am becoming highly impatient. I want to be moved into our house by thanksgiving, and right now I don't know if it will happen. It has been two weeks since we received word that there was a verbal agreement on the table. I really thought a written agreement would soon follow all of this. I don't know what to think, whether we should again start looking at paint colors or should we wait. We started the last time we got the verbal agreement and then it all quickly went downhill. Is there any hope of moving forward anytime soon? Should we just go look for another house? I feel like we have been down that path at great length. I just don't want to go down it again, but do we need to? Is this something that we need to discuss? I hate it that we are so close, but yet so far away. I hate feeling out of control. I know that God is in control and that is a hard thing to trust sometimes. I think we (ourselves and the people we live with currently) are ready for things to move forward. I know that both families are ready for their own space once again. The option has been offered to just go ahead and move in but I don't want to take the chance of moving in and then it falling through. That would not be a good thing. I just don't know what to think. I am frustrated and impatient. I know that I need to just give it to God and that it will be alright but that is a hard thing for me to do.

My Family

Well I thought it might be a good time since I have written a few blogs to tell you a bit about my family. I grew up in a christian home with a mom and dad and two brothers, one older and one younger. Being an only girl was never an easy thing. I always wished for a sister but that obviously never happened. I never had really close relationships with my brothers, and I still don't. That in a way makes me sad but a lot of that has to do with the fact that we led very different lives growing up. I chose to walk with Christ and never was attracted to the party scene, but both of them chose to follow that path. I believe that someday both will truely commit their hearts and lives completely to God.
I went to a conservative church for 18 years of my life and then I left. It was amazing to me to see the freedom you can have in serving Christ without the rules of telling me what I can and cannot wear (in other words, I didn't feel controlled by the church to have a certain wardrobe). I do thank God for parents who taught me about modesty and purity. I learned that you can serve God in freedom without all the rules and regulations on what you can and cannot wear.
Well sometime after this I started attending a church service on Saturday nights that was called Downtown @ 808. I got involved here with a small group. We were all a bunch of single people with one goal in mind. We were about serving God together, along with having some major fun times. I remember going to Chicago for a day, going to Cedar Point on several different occasions, just hanging out and playing games. We all loved to hang out and have fun. And then we started to grow up. Several people started to develop interest in each other. Soon there were relationships within this group of single people. That is when my wonderful husband and I got together. We spent many hours just talking and conversing with one another, getting to know each other. Then we started going out. After about 4 months my then boyfriend left me to go to YWAM with me to follow in just three months. Through our YWAM experiences, we were apart for 11 months but we maintained our relationship and friendship. Our longest time of being apart was 5 months(of not seeing each other at all). Our only way of communication was through phone and mainly email. Talk about a crazy time in our lives but a time where we both grew so much in our walk with God in our own personal lives.
After these 11 months of being apart we came back together and continued to pursue one another. About a year later we became husband and wife, July 31, 2004. It was an amazing day.
We have now been married for 4 years. Our journey has been anywhere from very easy going to very challenging. Through it all it has been amazing to see how our love has grown in these past several years.
We also have an 18 month old son who completely fills our lives with joy. He is so funny with all the little things he does. We also have a little angel, our little Ashor, who is waiting for us in heaven. Out of everything here on earth I look forward to being in the presence of my God someday, but for now I rejoice in everyday that I have with my family and the amazing opportunity that I have to serve a risen Lord and savior with my family. I look forward to the day when I get to go to my Heavenly Father and bask in his presence. I also look forward to being reunited with my child.

Distant..... and Alone.......

Distant.....
I met with a really great friend of mine today. She says that it feels like I am distance. I don't know why she feels that way because I feel like I am myself in most ways. I don't mean to be distant. I am sorry for holding you at a distance. I feel like I am pretty open with how I have been feeling and what I have been dealing with. And then again maybe not. Maybe there is more that is underlying than I think. Maybe it is something that hasn't been made clear to me yet.
I just want my life to be ringing clear as a bell. I don't want to push people away. I just hope you know that I still love you and am not trying to hurt you. I don't know what is making the distance. Maybe it is because I haven't been seeking God in my life during the week. That is probably the main thing. I remember back just a few weeks ago, my husband and I having time in the Word together. I loved those times. Where did they go? We got really busy again and that has gotten placed in the back closet again. It makes me sad when I think about it. So I guess the thing I need to do tonight is get out my Bible and spend some time with God. I need to quiet my heart before God and just let him minister to me.
And Alone.........
Whenever I have been alone in the house at night, I don't want to be here. I just feel this depression set in. I just want to break out of these walls and be free. I want to be around my husband. And I'm really not alone, Jabez is here, but he is sleeping. Why do I feel depressed when I am alone? I am fine during the day when I am alone, but at night I don't do so well. I just want someone to be here to talk to. My desire is to be at a place where there is constant peace in my life. I don't like feeling unrest in my spirit. I don't like that I don't like being alone. The truth of the matter is God is here with me. Why do I let being alone get me down so much. It is so stupid. I just wish I could be at peace like I am during the day. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

So today was the day.....

Today was the day for the national remembrance of baby loss in any form. I have spent some time just reading others stories and what they have been through. I can't imagine being one of the ones that have lost multiple babies in a row. I just don't know how they do it. I know they can't do it alone, for they would for sure go crazy. They can only manage to get through it with our heavenly father. Thank you Lord for your love you have for us. Thank you for wrapping your arms around us in love.
Today was the day we were suppose to hear on the house. It didn't happen. So it keeps me wondering what is going on. How long will we have to wait?
Today is the day that I said I would like to be in a house by Thanksgiving. Is that too much to ask, to believe for? I don't know, but it is my hope.
Today was the day for the last Presidential debate. Did I watch it? Nope I was out for coffee with a friend. I get lost in their speeches, so it seems like a waste of my time. I know that I should be more willing to listen to them but I don't take the time.
Today was a day that it rained. Rain always makes me feel tired and lazy, so I took a nap. Thus I am not tired enough to go to sleep now. Thus is why I am writing a post right now.
Today was a day where I again asked God why one couple has to go through so much. Why are they always faced with so many challenges. Haven't they been through enough in the last couple of not days, weeks, months, but years. I just don't understand the purpose for all of it. Isn't there only so much a person can go through before they just collapse. But God has one promise that he will never leave you or forsake you. He will never give you more than you can handle.
Today was a day like many days recently where I haven't see much of my husband. Just as he came home (at 6 pm), I ran out for the evening. He gets up earlier, so he usually goes to bed earlier. It is a nonstop course for him right now. We are just crazy busy right now so that makes the time we do get to spend together very much important. I hate not seeing my husband, but I believe the end result of this very busy time in our lives will be worth it.
Today was a day where my son was super cute again. He was playing inside a box with a cat on the outside batting through the finger hole to touch his hand. Just to hear his laugh is just awesome and amazing. I also can't get over loving to hear him say words. It is so awesome. I thank God for this precious gift he has given to us.
So what was today like for you??????

Waiting

Waiting, waiting, waiting......
Waiting on a home of our own. Waiting on God's next step in our life. Waiting is just a part of life. I don't like waiting for things. I would just like everything to be right here, right now. But I guess you learn so much through the waiting process of life.
The most recent thing we thought that finally happened was getting the news on a house we have been waiting for. Last week, I believe it was, our realtor called us and let us know that the bank finally came to a "verbal" agreement on the house we have been looking at and waiting on. Let me take a moment to explain, we made an offer on a house, I believe back at the beginning of August, that is in a process called short-sale. From what I understand a short-sale is something that happens before a foreclosure. The owner of the property actually owes more to the bank then the property is worth, and from what I understand he is also behind on his payments. A very sad place to be. So anyway, you first have to get approval from the owner of the house and then you have to wait like weeks to months to hear an answer from the bank. The banks are overwhelmed with the number of homes going through the short-sale or foreclosure process, that is why it takes so long.
Anyway, we heard the news last week of this "verbal agreement" and we became pretty excited about it. We have started looking at paint colors for the hous. It is pretty crazy to think about the amount of time and things involved in redecorating, but it was really exciting.
Yesterday we got a call from our realtor again that things have changed. The bank that controls this mortgage has decided that they are no longer doing short-sales. Instead, they are packaging a bunch of the short-sale properties and selling them off in bundles to other institutions.
So you are probably wondering what does that mean for us? Well I wish I knew all the answers to this question. From what I understand the agreement is no longer there. It was just a "verbal agreement" not a "written agreement" so there is nothing binding them to this agreement. So we are back to waiting again.
I will be honest, I cried when I heard the news. It crushed my heart. I purposely didn't attach myself to the thought of getting this house in the beginning but once we heard that we got it, I got excited. Our wait was over. We were finally going to have a house again. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been horrible living where we have been living, but I am ready for my own living space.
So we are in this place again of waiting. Waiting for the house that we thought we had, waiting to move forward with this area of our life.
What is God doing through this? I don't understand why we have to continue to wait but I want to trust God that he has our best interests in mind. He knows the desire of my heart. He knows what I want, but somehow I feel that there is something more that He wants from us. Do I know what that is? No. Do I wish that I did? Yes. The only choice I have right now is to wait and seek God to see what he has for us.
I ask all of you my friends to be praying for us through this process. Pray that God would show us the next step in our lives. I just want to be faithful to God through all of this.
I do believe it is ok for me to voice how I am feeling because I believe God cares about what we are going through. I also have to keep God at the forefront of my thoughts. He is with me in this waiting. I just have to praise God for all the blessings in our lives at this current moment in time and that gets me back to the right perspective.