It has been a while....

Today is exactly one month ago that I wrote my last post. I have a friend who has been asking me to post. I told her I didn't know what to post about, but that was earlier in the week. I am still not entirely sure what I am going to post on but I will just write what my heart and fingers so desire.
Well lets start by saying that I am thoroughly enjoying being in our new home. It has truely been a blessing having a home of our own again. Thank you Lord for that blessing.
I have thoroughly enjoyed watching my son in the last couple of months. He is just so full of life and energy I can't hardly keep up with him. I love to hear him say new words and phrases. It is the most enjoyable thing in the world. We have also entered into the world of discipline. He has become quite the pistol at the same time. He is constantly getting into things. He is learning what it means to be gentle. Don't bite, don't pull hair, don't push....that wasn't nice. Those are things that we are dealing with right now. He is learning what a time out is and he hates it. But I just look at him and thank God for the blessing of the little man that I have.
About 4 months ago my husband and I went through some very dark days. It was the days that we were losing our baby. It was probably the hardest thing I have ever been through personally. I cried for days on end. I got angry. I didn't understand why this was happening to us. But through it all I have never seen God like I saw him in those days and times. My Abba Father carried me like I have never been carried before. It is only because of Him that I am still standing on the other side of this miscarriage. It is because of Him that I can continue to walk.
Well a few weeks back, about 5 weeks I believe we were getting our house ready to move in to. We were setting up for painting and cleaning and everything that went with that. I had not been feeling the best for about a week. I was really tired and sick to my stomach. I knew what it was but I didn't want to admit it. I took a test and found out we are pregnant. Almost 3 months to the day that we lost our baby. I was scared and full of fear. What if I go through this all over again. I can't possibly make it through this again. Isn't this kind of quick to get pregnant after our miscarriage? I told myself that I wasn't telling anyone until I knew that everything was going to be ok. I didn't want to burden people again. I was just a burden to them 3 months ago. What were we thinking. I did tell my good friend the day after I found out because I wanted someone to know besides me and my husband. She of course became very protective of me and wouldn't let me do too much the week before our move with the painting or the day of the move except tell people where everything went. I thank God for a friend who cares so much for me that she exhausted herself on behalf of me. She just wanted me to take care of this baby that God was giving to me.
I have to say there have been lots of tears since finding out about this coming baby. I have faced many fears, worries but I just keep getting assured that everything is going to be alright this time. I am at 9 weeks pregnant now and I am starting to feel an excitement about this baby. I am scared to allow myself to get to excited because of the fear that something is going to happen again. But all I can do right now is trust God through this time and he knows what is best for this child.

The frustration is over.....

Well as you have been reading in many of my posts we have been living with friends for almost 5 months now. It has went pretty good but some pretty significant things have happened here that I just am really ready for a place of my own.
Well that is currently happening...
Last Tuesday afternoon we got a call from our realtor who told us that she had finally received the letter from the second lean holder and that the house was finally becoming ours. So that evening my husband and I spent some time going through color samples that we already had here at the house. On Wednesday I went shopping for the paint colors and we started working on the house. Wednesday afternoon we got a call that our closing was going to be scheduled for Friday afternoon. Yes we went from one weekend to not knowing what was happening and before the next weekend really hit we had a house in our name. Thank you Lord.
So this week has been pretty crazy with painting and cleaning and we will be moving in on Saturday which is before thanksgiving that I had asked God for.
Thank you Lord for answered prayer.

Frustration...

It has been a couple of weeks since I have written anything. So I thought I should take a moment and write again.
We are still living in the basement of our friends house. Still waiting on the house we have been waiting on for a couple of weeks. I don't know if it will ever happen. We should know soon. Well that is what we have thought for weeks. We have received two verbal agreements but not a written one yet from the second mortgage holder. Is this really where God wants us or does he have some other place for us. This is a question that is staying pretty constant in my life over the last couple of days, weeks, months. We have been living in this basement for 4 1/2 months and for that I am grateful. I am thankful that our friends opened their home and took us in. It is greatly appreciated. They still seem to be ok with us being here more than I am ok with being here. I have broken 2 glasses, a bowel with chilli soup in it that went all over their white carpet and couch(which I was able to get out), and last week their candle holders. I am just so ready for my own stuff. Stuff that if I break I can deal with that on my own. I know I probably sound selfish and I am sorry for that. I am just ready to have a home to call my own once again. A place where it doesn't matter where or what I do to it. Its my problem then.
Well lets see...
Some other things that have been taking place. Jabez was sick for like 3 weeks straight and then I thought he was finally better and would be able to go into the nursery on Sunday....that is until he had major diarrhea on Saturday. He ended up staying home with daddy because we didn't want to give everyone else his diarrhea. Well he did fine on Sunday then. So I thank God for that. I am hoping that he will remain healthy now.
We received a gift card from the church for Edwin being on the worship team this year. What a blessing that was.
As the holidays are coming closer and closer I am wishing even more for my own home. What a blessing that would be. It would truely be an answer to prayer. I know that a couple of posts back I mentioned something about I was trusting God that we would be in our home by Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is almost 2 weeks away. Is it still possible. I don't know, but I want to continue to trust God with it.

Still waiting......

Well we are still at the spot of waiting. Waiting on God to do something about a home in our lives. I am becoming highly impatient. I want to be moved into our house by thanksgiving, and right now I don't know if it will happen. It has been two weeks since we received word that there was a verbal agreement on the table. I really thought a written agreement would soon follow all of this. I don't know what to think, whether we should again start looking at paint colors or should we wait. We started the last time we got the verbal agreement and then it all quickly went downhill. Is there any hope of moving forward anytime soon? Should we just go look for another house? I feel like we have been down that path at great length. I just don't want to go down it again, but do we need to? Is this something that we need to discuss? I hate it that we are so close, but yet so far away. I hate feeling out of control. I know that God is in control and that is a hard thing to trust sometimes. I think we (ourselves and the people we live with currently) are ready for things to move forward. I know that both families are ready for their own space once again. The option has been offered to just go ahead and move in but I don't want to take the chance of moving in and then it falling through. That would not be a good thing. I just don't know what to think. I am frustrated and impatient. I know that I need to just give it to God and that it will be alright but that is a hard thing for me to do.

My Family

Well I thought it might be a good time since I have written a few blogs to tell you a bit about my family. I grew up in a christian home with a mom and dad and two brothers, one older and one younger. Being an only girl was never an easy thing. I always wished for a sister but that obviously never happened. I never had really close relationships with my brothers, and I still don't. That in a way makes me sad but a lot of that has to do with the fact that we led very different lives growing up. I chose to walk with Christ and never was attracted to the party scene, but both of them chose to follow that path. I believe that someday both will truely commit their hearts and lives completely to God.
I went to a conservative church for 18 years of my life and then I left. It was amazing to me to see the freedom you can have in serving Christ without the rules of telling me what I can and cannot wear (in other words, I didn't feel controlled by the church to have a certain wardrobe). I do thank God for parents who taught me about modesty and purity. I learned that you can serve God in freedom without all the rules and regulations on what you can and cannot wear.
Well sometime after this I started attending a church service on Saturday nights that was called Downtown @ 808. I got involved here with a small group. We were all a bunch of single people with one goal in mind. We were about serving God together, along with having some major fun times. I remember going to Chicago for a day, going to Cedar Point on several different occasions, just hanging out and playing games. We all loved to hang out and have fun. And then we started to grow up. Several people started to develop interest in each other. Soon there were relationships within this group of single people. That is when my wonderful husband and I got together. We spent many hours just talking and conversing with one another, getting to know each other. Then we started going out. After about 4 months my then boyfriend left me to go to YWAM with me to follow in just three months. Through our YWAM experiences, we were apart for 11 months but we maintained our relationship and friendship. Our longest time of being apart was 5 months(of not seeing each other at all). Our only way of communication was through phone and mainly email. Talk about a crazy time in our lives but a time where we both grew so much in our walk with God in our own personal lives.
After these 11 months of being apart we came back together and continued to pursue one another. About a year later we became husband and wife, July 31, 2004. It was an amazing day.
We have now been married for 4 years. Our journey has been anywhere from very easy going to very challenging. Through it all it has been amazing to see how our love has grown in these past several years.
We also have an 18 month old son who completely fills our lives with joy. He is so funny with all the little things he does. We also have a little angel, our little Ashor, who is waiting for us in heaven. Out of everything here on earth I look forward to being in the presence of my God someday, but for now I rejoice in everyday that I have with my family and the amazing opportunity that I have to serve a risen Lord and savior with my family. I look forward to the day when I get to go to my Heavenly Father and bask in his presence. I also look forward to being reunited with my child.

Distant..... and Alone.......

Distant.....
I met with a really great friend of mine today. She says that it feels like I am distance. I don't know why she feels that way because I feel like I am myself in most ways. I don't mean to be distant. I am sorry for holding you at a distance. I feel like I am pretty open with how I have been feeling and what I have been dealing with. And then again maybe not. Maybe there is more that is underlying than I think. Maybe it is something that hasn't been made clear to me yet.
I just want my life to be ringing clear as a bell. I don't want to push people away. I just hope you know that I still love you and am not trying to hurt you. I don't know what is making the distance. Maybe it is because I haven't been seeking God in my life during the week. That is probably the main thing. I remember back just a few weeks ago, my husband and I having time in the Word together. I loved those times. Where did they go? We got really busy again and that has gotten placed in the back closet again. It makes me sad when I think about it. So I guess the thing I need to do tonight is get out my Bible and spend some time with God. I need to quiet my heart before God and just let him minister to me.
And Alone.........
Whenever I have been alone in the house at night, I don't want to be here. I just feel this depression set in. I just want to break out of these walls and be free. I want to be around my husband. And I'm really not alone, Jabez is here, but he is sleeping. Why do I feel depressed when I am alone? I am fine during the day when I am alone, but at night I don't do so well. I just want someone to be here to talk to. My desire is to be at a place where there is constant peace in my life. I don't like feeling unrest in my spirit. I don't like that I don't like being alone. The truth of the matter is God is here with me. Why do I let being alone get me down so much. It is so stupid. I just wish I could be at peace like I am during the day. Does anyone have any suggestions for me?

So today was the day.....

Today was the day for the national remembrance of baby loss in any form. I have spent some time just reading others stories and what they have been through. I can't imagine being one of the ones that have lost multiple babies in a row. I just don't know how they do it. I know they can't do it alone, for they would for sure go crazy. They can only manage to get through it with our heavenly father. Thank you Lord for your love you have for us. Thank you for wrapping your arms around us in love.
Today was the day we were suppose to hear on the house. It didn't happen. So it keeps me wondering what is going on. How long will we have to wait?
Today is the day that I said I would like to be in a house by Thanksgiving. Is that too much to ask, to believe for? I don't know, but it is my hope.
Today was the day for the last Presidential debate. Did I watch it? Nope I was out for coffee with a friend. I get lost in their speeches, so it seems like a waste of my time. I know that I should be more willing to listen to them but I don't take the time.
Today was a day that it rained. Rain always makes me feel tired and lazy, so I took a nap. Thus I am not tired enough to go to sleep now. Thus is why I am writing a post right now.
Today was a day where I again asked God why one couple has to go through so much. Why are they always faced with so many challenges. Haven't they been through enough in the last couple of not days, weeks, months, but years. I just don't understand the purpose for all of it. Isn't there only so much a person can go through before they just collapse. But God has one promise that he will never leave you or forsake you. He will never give you more than you can handle.
Today was a day like many days recently where I haven't see much of my husband. Just as he came home (at 6 pm), I ran out for the evening. He gets up earlier, so he usually goes to bed earlier. It is a nonstop course for him right now. We are just crazy busy right now so that makes the time we do get to spend together very much important. I hate not seeing my husband, but I believe the end result of this very busy time in our lives will be worth it.
Today was a day where my son was super cute again. He was playing inside a box with a cat on the outside batting through the finger hole to touch his hand. Just to hear his laugh is just awesome and amazing. I also can't get over loving to hear him say words. It is so awesome. I thank God for this precious gift he has given to us.
So what was today like for you??????

Waiting

Waiting, waiting, waiting......
Waiting on a home of our own. Waiting on God's next step in our life. Waiting is just a part of life. I don't like waiting for things. I would just like everything to be right here, right now. But I guess you learn so much through the waiting process of life.
The most recent thing we thought that finally happened was getting the news on a house we have been waiting for. Last week, I believe it was, our realtor called us and let us know that the bank finally came to a "verbal" agreement on the house we have been looking at and waiting on. Let me take a moment to explain, we made an offer on a house, I believe back at the beginning of August, that is in a process called short-sale. From what I understand a short-sale is something that happens before a foreclosure. The owner of the property actually owes more to the bank then the property is worth, and from what I understand he is also behind on his payments. A very sad place to be. So anyway, you first have to get approval from the owner of the house and then you have to wait like weeks to months to hear an answer from the bank. The banks are overwhelmed with the number of homes going through the short-sale or foreclosure process, that is why it takes so long.
Anyway, we heard the news last week of this "verbal agreement" and we became pretty excited about it. We have started looking at paint colors for the hous. It is pretty crazy to think about the amount of time and things involved in redecorating, but it was really exciting.
Yesterday we got a call from our realtor again that things have changed. The bank that controls this mortgage has decided that they are no longer doing short-sales. Instead, they are packaging a bunch of the short-sale properties and selling them off in bundles to other institutions.
So you are probably wondering what does that mean for us? Well I wish I knew all the answers to this question. From what I understand the agreement is no longer there. It was just a "verbal agreement" not a "written agreement" so there is nothing binding them to this agreement. So we are back to waiting again.
I will be honest, I cried when I heard the news. It crushed my heart. I purposely didn't attach myself to the thought of getting this house in the beginning but once we heard that we got it, I got excited. Our wait was over. We were finally going to have a house again. Don't get me wrong, it hasn't been horrible living where we have been living, but I am ready for my own living space.
So we are in this place again of waiting. Waiting for the house that we thought we had, waiting to move forward with this area of our life.
What is God doing through this? I don't understand why we have to continue to wait but I want to trust God that he has our best interests in mind. He knows the desire of my heart. He knows what I want, but somehow I feel that there is something more that He wants from us. Do I know what that is? No. Do I wish that I did? Yes. The only choice I have right now is to wait and seek God to see what he has for us.
I ask all of you my friends to be praying for us through this process. Pray that God would show us the next step in our lives. I just want to be faithful to God through all of this.
I do believe it is ok for me to voice how I am feeling because I believe God cares about what we are going through. I also have to keep God at the forefront of my thoughts. He is with me in this waiting. I just have to praise God for all the blessings in our lives at this current moment in time and that gets me back to the right perspective.

Many, Many Thoughts

It has been nearly a month now that I have experienced one of the most painful experiences in my life that I think I have ever been through. I lost my dear, precious baby whom we had known only existed for a week in our lives. I was actually 5 weeks pregnant when it happened. I was very excited about having another baby, and so quickly the excitement turned to fear, anger, sadness, and depression. For several days in a row all I did was cry, even waking during the night because of the emotional pain. It just felt like something was ripped out of my heart and life, someone who I had already fallen in love with.
Several days after the miscarriage was happening, we chose to name our baby. Our baby has been named Ashor. Ashor means "happy and blessed." Happy and blessed is what our child is in the presence of our Father.
A friend of mine also went through a miscarriage this year. She was here right by my side all through this time. We talked, cried(or she let me cry), and screamed our way through the first several days. Oh how my heart ached for what I was never going to be able to have to hold and love here on earth. You know it didn't make sense to me about what was going on, but I just knew that my Heavenly Father was there with me through the whole thing. He carried me in a way I have never experienced before. I can atest to the fact that I am where I am right now is because of the love of Jesus. He loved us so much that He gave His son for us as a sacrifice for our sins. Can you imagine the incredible amount of pain he must have went through during this time? I know the pain I have been through with this, and I know that it can't even compare to what pain my heavenly Father has experienced. I have a friend who helped me to realize this through this time. I thank you for making this realization to me. It was greatly appreciated. I know that I am not alone in this. I have many friends, family, and church family who have just loved me through this. But most importantly God is right here by my side. He continues to love me and hold my hand through ever day.
Of course I still think about these events in my life. I have had thoughts today about the fact that I should be 9 weeks pregnant right now, getting closer to the end of my first trimester. Instead I am not pregnant and grieving the loss of my child. I have wanted something physical to commemorate my child, something to hold close to my heart and life forever. I went into a jewelry store yesterday and chose a pendant that I will be able to wear on a chain and never forget my dear, precious child.

Life's Stesses

Why oh why do I let life stress me out so badly. I feel like the last week has been pretty stressful, especially the last 1 1/2 to 2 days. I just feel like I loose control of my emotional side of me and can't seem to find it again. It is usually the littlest thing that triggers me. What is going on? God what is wrong with me? Why do I let life stress me out so much? Why don't I just reach out and trust you through it?
Wow what a bunch of crazy questions running through my mind and heart. You know there are times in life where I feel completely out of control with my thoughts and emotions. I know I don't often take the time to think before I speak. I just snap at the smallest things. Where do I go with this area of my life. The only thing that keeps coming back to my mind is trusting God through it all.
Trusting God is a constant thing in my life that I need to keep a check on. I feel like there are times where I can completely trust Him, and the next time I am wondering how I got away from the trust I had in Him or how to trust Him in the situation. I know He loves me. I know He is my Abba Father, my Daddy, my Caretaker through every path of life. I just want to come to a place where I have a constant trust in Him. No doubts, no questions, and not necessarily any answers, just pure trust in the Lord Jesus Christ for who He is and what I are going to be taught through a certain situation.
So I place before you a challenge, in what ways can we come to trust God complete at all times through all of life's stresses? How can we maintain a constancy in the way we live our lives for Christ? Can we together find this path to complete trust? How do we just come to a place and say, "God I know that you are going to take care of us through this time. I am not even going to question you in this situation that I am going through, because trusting you is the sweetest thing I could ever do."
Lord this is the cry of my heart to come to trust you completely in every day whether it is good or bad, every situation that we run into throughout life, in relationships, among many other things in life.

Pain

When I see someone I love going through pain it makes my heart hurt. I just want to take that hurt from them and give back to them whatever has made them so sad, but in each and every situation that is usually an impossible thing to do. I don't like to feel helpless, and I don't like to see others hopeless. I just want to give them everything they have lost, everything they have needed, but in my humanness that is not possible. Only God can give them everything they need. I can be there to love them, to listen to them, encourage them, do for them whatever I can do and give them to God and entrust them to His care. He knows what is best for His people, but that doesn't keep me from asking questions. (Why does one have to go through so much pain in life? What is the purpose for it? Why does it seem like the same people are continuously being challenged with more things than I could handle at one time? It seems like when one thing happens, then there are many to follow.

These are questions that I can continue to allow to plague my mind, or these are questions I can choose to give to God. I know that I will never truely understand why pain is allowed in life, but I do know that I need to trust God through it all. I know that going through pain and hurt have something to do with our human nature but it doesn't entirely make sense to me. One day I will understand; that is the day I get to see my Heavenly Father and never will have to worry about pain and suffering again. What a wonderful thought.

A verse that kind of reminds me that God is in the things we go through is as follows: "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them(Romans 8:28)." Although most of those hurts and pains don't make sense right away, I want to trust God that something good will come out of it.

So to all of those that I love, I wish I could take away the pain that you face, the heartaches that you have. Remember that I love you, and I am here for you whatever you go through.

Growing Up

I have had so many thoughts in the past couple of days about my son. My son just turned 17 months yesterday. He was a late walker, and now he is running around. It really freaks me out when I look at him and see that he is no longer a baby but a little boy who is constantly busy. He has recently started to understand so many things I say to him it is almost scary. Here I have been entrusted with this little man to raise him in a way that is pleasing to God. I want so much for him to grow up knowing God as his personal Lord and Savior, but sometimes I see how my own life is and I wonder how God entrusted this little one to me to raise him to serve him because frankly the way i lead life is pretty ugly sometimes. That is what scares me the most. I know that I am forever being changed by my Heavenly Father, but how willing am I to let him change me. I know that I am more willing to let him change me when things aren't going very well for me, but when life is going well I sometimes forget to praise God in the moment. So I see at this point and time in my life where I need to make changes that are constant. Some of those changes include seeking God on a daily basis, not forgetting to praise God in the good times, and talking to my son on a daily basis about how much God loves him. This to me is a huge challenge, but I don't have a choice but to do it if I want to see what is best for my son.