Today

I have really struggled today to be a good mom. I have lost it with my children by raising my voice at them on several occasions. I feel like I just want to go to bed and forget that this day happened and wake up to a brand new day tomorrow where there would be a clean slate. But I know that isn't what God wants me to do. He wants me to see where I have made mistakes and to ask forgiveness and to move on from there. I am asking God to be my portion today because I know that I cannot do it on my own. I am asking God to be my forgiver today, for without him I can do nothing. I need his extra strength to make it through this day.
Thank you Lord for loving me even when I mess up. Thank you for being my Portion, my Rock, my Forgiveness, my All in All.

My Thoughts....

I guess it has been a little over 2 weeks now that my youngest brother lost his best friend/mentor/boss due to illness. Before my brother met this man he had walked away from a life with Christ. He was experiencing many things of the world I never wanted to see him experience. He met this man at a local restaurant they both frequented. From watching my brother over a few months this man asked him to come work for him. This man mentored my brother back into a relationship with Christ in the last three and a half years. Not only has he done that but he has taught him how to run a business on his own. He has really stepped up and become a quite the young man.
I had the opportunity to go to his funeral. My brother wasn't the only person this man has impacted. While at the funeral another man shared about the impact this man had on his life. From stories I read from his children he almost died 20 years ago due to the same illness. I thank God that he allowed this man to continue to live to impact my brother's life and the lives of others around him.
You know seeing my brother go through this was quite difficult. He has never lost a best friend before. He has never been so quiet. It was really weird. The weekend before his friend died he got engaged to an absolutely wonderful sweet girl. I love her to pieces. This man's wife told her husband that my brother had finally gotten engaged. He was so happy for them. He was doing better, she thought she was gonna bring him home not take him to the grave instead. This is just to say how crazy fast your life can be done and over with.
One of the biggest things this situation made me think about was how would I be if I lost my husband. I mean I know we have only been married for close to 5 1/2 years but man I can't imagine how I would continue life without him. This man and woman had been married for close to 50 years. I can't imagine losing someone I have built my life around for 50 years. It blows my mind. I can't quite fathom it. Marriage is a very precious gift given from God and I never want to take my spouse for granted I love him with my whole heart. He absolutely means the world to me. We need to really love each other every single day at our best because we never know it could be our last.

Crazy Love Book

We finished Crazy Love a few weeks back. I was just really bad at keeping you posted on my thoughts about the last couple of chapters that we went through. I am actually gonna go back to Chapter 8 of the book. When I first read this chapter or should I say glanced at it, I really didn't get anything out of it. But when I went back and actually read this chapter it was loaded. It was talking about when people are really focused on God and heaven. I think what I am going to do is quote from the book the different obsessions that he talked about that spoke to me.....

"Obsessed people are more concerned with obeying God than doing what is expected or fulfilling the status quo. A person who is obsessed with Jesus will do things that don't always make sense in terms of success or wealth on this earth( Crazy Love, pg 136). " When I look at this one I think of how much time in my life I waste. Waste away at stupid games on the computer or just plainly sitting around doing nothing. I wish I would take more of an opportunity to see what God has to say to me than what I want to do for myself.

Another obsession was "People who are obsessed with Jesus do not consider service a burden. Obsessed people take joy in loving God by loving his people (Crazy Love, pg 139). " I think I have more of a servents heart, so this one doesn't seem quite so out there like some of the others. I do find great joy in helping others in times of need.

A third obession was that of " A person who is obsessed is characterized by committed, settled, passionate love for God above and before every other thing and ever other being (Crazy Love, pg 143)." Why do I struggle so greatly with this one. I love God but I don't see myself by far as obsessed with him and that is sad and scary. He is suppose to be the most important part of my life and I just place him on the back burner. I only chose to spend time with him when I feel I have the time. Ouch.

When I take these 3 of the obsessions that Francis Chan talks about and really think about them and what they would mean in my relationship with Christ it makes it feel almost unatainable. One of the biggest things I struggle with is learning how to balance all my time. Yes I did admit to spending time playing computer games but that is something I can change. Then there are the other "things" that seem to take precedence; cleaning, cooking, laundry, spending time with my husband, spending time with my boys, spending time with friends........dadadadada.......the list goes on. How do I come to a place of making him my priority? How do I change all the old habits I am in to? How do I strive to become more like Christ? I think these are questions that will only help foster my relationship with Christ if I just put it into action. Now I just need to follow through with action.

In the final chapter of the book are some pretty provoking challenges that brings some questions to my mind.....Am I living my life in a way that is most loving? Do I live like today could be my last? Am I contagious in a postitive way? What will people say about me and the way I lived when I am gone? Will I hear " well done" when I get to heaven? I think that question in and of itself sums up how we should strive to live our daily lives.

It has once again been a long time....

Well first of all I didn't realize that this had posted. Thanks to some great friends for giving me some wonderful comments. I don't know why I can't seem to get anything up here but I really do want to soon.......

Crazy Love Book......

I have been wanting to write this since I had my study with the women's group on Wednesday evening, over a week ago, but I have had very busy times and not any great amount of time to just stop and write something that is on my heart. Its just kind of been hard with the baby, canning, and juggling all things in life. So being so busy just allowed me barely enough time to get my second chapter finished. To be honest I mostly just skimmed it. I know that I should have allowed myself more time but I was procrastinating and it got me into trouble. So when we were talking about the second chapter everybody was saying how convicting it was to them. But I didn't really even catch what it was saying because I was so busy and had so little time to read it. In our time of talking people started to share little things about the chapter. As I was sitting there listening to others talk about things I was thinking about my day and remembered how Jabez came up to me and asked for water. He was so insistent that he needed water right then and there. I found it really annoying at the time but the more I thought about it the more it really hit me that just as Jabez was longing for water for his physical needs we need to be pressing into God and wanting to know him more. As we were sitting there at the end of our time and getting ready to pray I was just hit overwhelmingly by the presence of God. As I prayed I just had tears come to my eyes because of the awesomeness that God had revealed to me.
The sad thing is that over a week has gone by and I haven't really spent anymore time with God then I did previous to this revelation. I get so caught up in the day to day things of life that I just don't spend that time with him. It is so frustrating. I don't know where to turn and figure out how to do everything. If anyone has any advice for me that would be wonderful.
As I continue on this journey through this book I pray that some life changes come.

Thoughts

When I was sitting here on the couch last night feeding my baby I got to thinking about these last couple weeks of life. I started looking at all the ways my baby has changed. At his 2 week appointment he hadn't gained any weight except his birth weight back. Well in the month since then he has been eating nonstop. That would explain how he has gained 2 lbs 3 onces. In my opinion that is crazy! He has also started smiling a lot. Last night we had an almost giggle.
Time is flying by so quickly, he is growing so fast. I am truly trying to enjoy all these stages cause its going to be over so soon. One of the areas that I struggle are with being up a lot some nights. I enjoy my sleep too much and when I don't get it I am a mess the next day. I am not fun to be around and I pity my poor kids. I am trying to make sure that I am proactive this time in the decisions that I make and not push myself too much. Last time I tried to do everything myself and ended up sick and really depressed. I have made some decisions that some people I am sure think is crazy. But you know what I am enjoying my baby this time. I am happy this time. I have only had a few number of days where I have felt really weepy. I have taken charge of my body and my schedule and that feels awesome! I have allowed friends to come and help me out, although it was a very humbling thing to do in the beginning.
I am thoroughly enjoying being a mom of two. I look forward to the coming months and watching them to continue to interact more and more. I truly feel very blessed.

How Life is going 6 weeks after

Well I feel like life has definitely started to have a normalcy. It has been really neat and amazing to see how God has changed Jabez's heart for his little brother. He is learning to love on his brother and help me with many little tasks around the house. It is kind of hard yet to get my days going sometimes. I feel like I get nothing done but change diapers and feed kids, but that really isn't all true. In the six weeks since having my second born i have canned applesauce, peaches, and salsa, with the help of friends of course (I have no idea how I would do something of this extent on my own with 2 babies!!!!!). It has been a blessing having friends being willing to help me even though it was very humbling to have to ask for help with things.

It was fun to watch Jabez this weekend with his cousin who just turned 1 at the end of last month. It took them a little to warm up to each other but Jabez soon become loving and helpful with him. He was even pretty willing to play with him. I am looking forward to how the boys learn to interact with each other the older Dakota becomes.
Dakota has started smiling already and he is getting so big. We have moved him up to 3-6 month clothing already. We have our 6 week check up on Tuesday of this week. I am interested to see how much my baby has gained already. As time passes all to quickly, my baby is growing so fast. Oh how I love to see the little changes he continues to make.

"Crazy Love" book thoughts

Well we had our first meeting for the "Crazy Love" book a few weeks ago, almost 2 weeks ago in fact. I will have to say meeting with a group of women as I have said before is good. It took us a little bit to begin opening up with the questions that were asked but it did end up becoming a good deep conversation. One of the things that really stuck out to me was talking about how hard it is to live each day serving God with everything we have. How do we balance a life of family, friends, house, and just life in general but still live to serve God? It is a question we couldn't really completely answer. I find it really sad that I struggle so much with this but I think it is something that most of us deal with in our lifetimes. Until we come to grasp exactly how much God really loves us, we won't see much change. In our humanness I don't think it is possible to completely come to an understanding of God's amazing and infinite love. Our message at church this morning was actually on the verses in the Bible where it talks about "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your mind, and with all your soul, and Love your neighbor as yourself." I think if we learn to love people more we can learn to love God more. If we chose not to avoid certain people who bug us but actually take the time to talk to them, isn't that a bit of loving our neighbor. How many of us purposely avoid a certain type or even a certain person cause they bug us? I know that I do. Anyway I have kind of gotten off topic. So I want to try to live life in a that is of loving people.
So onto to the second chapter that I just actually watched the online video for for the first time asked a question about "Am I really living my life in such a way that it shows that my life here on earth is just a vapor," as it talks about in the book of James. My question out of this again is, "How do we live our lives as if we could die at any moment?" I feel this kind of life would be like walking around on pointy stones all day long. How do you live this kind of life without living on your tiptoes constantly? Can anyone help me answer this question?
So now as this week approaches we continue you with Chapters 3 and 4 of this book. I have only briefly started reading it, but I will try to share my thoughts on this also.

One Year Anniversary

Today is the one year anniversary of the loss of our baby. It is hard to believe that it has been a year already. I don't feel real emotional about today, in fact I have been given just a wonderfully joyful day today. I woke up and look outside and saw the sunshine and my heart just started singing "Oh what a beautiful morning, Oh what a beautiful day. I have a wonderful feeling that God is gonna bless this day. " I just can't get God off my mind today. I have seen him in every step that I have taken today. I had a really great morning with the boys and my heart just continued to sing praises to our risen Lord and King.
This afternoon while the boys have been asleep I have finished reading my first two chapters of this book called "Crazy Love." The second chapter is really calling us to not forget who God is and what He has done for us. It is calling us to make him the most important thing in our lives. It is calling us to not forget how intricately he has made our bodies and how everything works together to give us another day. I am just kind of stuck on this right now. I can't get out of my mind how much I forget God in my daily life. I chose to push him in the back corner and not worship him. I wish everyday were like today where I would wake with a heart praising God and for it to continue throughout the day. It doesn't just need to be a wish, it needs to become a part of my everyday being. I need to chose to let God be in control of my day and for him to work through me in the way that he wants. I need to not worry about the next day cause it hasn't happened yet. I just need to trust God for the here and now. Wow! If I were to live everyday worshiping Him, I wouldn't need to be worried about the time when Christ comes back for me, I would just be ready. No matter what , where, or when.
This is starting to recharge my soul to be more focused on God and all that he has done for me. I so often feel, like right now this is just going through my mind for today, by tomorrow I will forget what God did for me today. I pray that that changes.
As I close there is a song going through my mind and I would like to share that with you....

You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom
Who can fathom the depths of Your love
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty, enthroned above

And I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of You

You are beautiful beyond description
Too marvelous for words
Too wonderful for comprehension
Like nothing ever seen or heard
Who can grasp Your infinite wisdom
Who can fathom the depths of Your love
You are beautiful beyond description
Majesty, enthroned above

And I stand, I stand in awe of You
I stand, I stand in awe of You
Holy God to whom all praise is due
I stand in awe of You
Yes, I stand in awe of You
I stand in awe of You

Life....

This weekend turned out to be a pretty great one after getting pretty sick on Friday. Sick enough to call my husband home to take care of me and the kids. I didn't know anyone could get sick so fast. It was crazy. We got lots of friends praying for me and I just proclaim a miraculous healing from God. By Friday night my husband and I and our baby were able to go and enjoy a birthday party. Yes I didn't feel perfect but I had fun. I just thank God for the touch he had on my body.
On Saturday we slept in and did different things around the house to catch up and then went out in the evening with some friends. It is always a thing of do we really want to spend our money going out to eat here. It was worth it because we had a great time of fellowship. Sunday we went to church and then came home and lazed around in the afternoon, and in the evening 2 of my friends and myself headed for a jewelry party at a friends house. It was so nice to get out away from one of the kids and enjoy a night of fun and laughter with girlfriends.
I am looking gratefully forward to the group from church that is starting a book study on a book called "Crazy Love" this week. We will be meeting every other Wednesday until we are finished. There is just a richness about meeting with other women to discuss a book or go through a Bible study. It is something that motivates me. I had the privilege to go through a study on the book of Esther early this summer with 2 other of my friends. It was awesome to spend time talking about things that God had shown us through his word. I am sure in the weeks to come I will have some things to say about the book and my time with the ladies, until then see you next time.

What I imagine canning would be like without the help of a friend

Yesterday I got to can applesauce with a friend of mine. We had a great time while doing it. It is the most productive thing I have done since I have had the baby. I can't even imagine if I had tried to do this on my own. It seems like it would have been a bit out of hand. I can only think of what it would have been like.
1.I am sure while my apples were cooking both my boys would have had great big blow outs requiring my attention for quite awhile. And then I would have come out to find my apples had burnt because of my lack of attention.
2.I can only imagine my toddler running up to me all the while trying to get things done, saying "water, water, water, water." Honey you need to have patience till mommy has a second to get you some. With a return to "water, water, water." Oh the joys of toddlerhood and the lack of their patience!
3. I am sure it would have taken me about 12 hours instead of 4.
4. The baby would want to be held constantly....well I guess that pretty much happened. I pulled out the sling and strapped him to my body and then I could get some things done. I am sure there is also that thing of wanting to be feed constantly also.
5. I would seriously have applesauce everywhere except in the cans where it belongs because my toddler would be pulling at my arm for my attention.

These are just some random thoughts I have now that I have been up for almost 2 hours with a baby that doesn't seem to want to go back to sleep for some odd reason. He usually eats and goes right back to sleep within a half hour but I guess he feels like being a mystery tonight or should I say this morning? I really enjoyed canning yesterday because I finally felt like I was doing something instead of just sitting around holding down the couch, feeding kids, and changing diapers all day. I am still in the recovery mode since having my son so there are still many household things I am not suppose to be doing. I am not a person who usually just sits around and does nothing so this has been a challenge for me. I am also not a person who asks for help with things, and I have had to ask for help and it has been very humbling to do so. I just want to thank everyone who has offered to help me because I can't do it all on my own. I especially want to thank those that have helped me. It is much appreciated. Well now that I have rambled, lets see if I can get my baby back to bed and see myself there also.

Life after two....

Let me just say first of all life with two children is definitely different. What is so different you might ask. Well I will just start by listing the things I believe have changed a lot.
1. My 2 year old has had a really hard time adjusting to the fact that he doesn't get 100% of the attention anymore. This has resulted in being outright disobedient. Choosing to disobey anything mommy or daddy ask him to do.
2. Feeling the pressures of having to discipline so much that you aren't even sure what works anymore. Where is the creativity with discipline without being overbearing?
3. Looking into the face of your perfect baby boy that God has blessed you with.
4. Bathing two babies instead of just 1. Means you need to give more time to get ready for places you need to go.
5. The possibility of having 2 kids waking you up in the middle of the night instead of just one. Which means both parents need to be willing to get up and can't just rely on one cause then you are grouchy the next day and then nothing goes well for sure.
6. Try to get both kids down for a nap at the same time so that you can also get some sleep. You can't just assume it will happen.
7. Learning how to balance house work, baby and spending time with your toddler.
8. Constantly changing diapers! No joke!
9. Being able to see the changes that are happening in my 2 year old since his baby brother is here. You can start to see a love growing inside of him for him. A level of acceptance that is starting to show.
10. Having two kids screaming at the top of their lungs!
So far life after two has been a challenge, but I think I am starting to get a handle on it. I can't wait to see the dynamics in the next couple of months. I think it will be great.

Continuation....

Well I left off right where I got to meet my little guy. I can't even quite describe the moment to you because it was so sweet. It was the moment I had been waiting for and wasn't quite sure how it would be. I don't know that I have ever quite had such joy. I think it all goes back to all the pain we went through almost a year ago at this point. I just remember the pain like it was yesterday, but now I have a beautiful precious gift that God has given me. That is what I call my second born son, a beautiful precious gift from the Lord. My life has been through so much pain, hurt, and unknown in the last year that this is a time I can truly rejoice. God brought me through a pit of despair and now has brought me hope once again. I can't tell you what a blessing this time in my life is right now.
What has God taught me through all of this...
He taught me how to praise him in a really tough and hard time in life like I had never experienced before. He has allowed a good friend of mine and myself to start up a ministry to minister to those that have been hurt through miscarriage. He has given me a heart to be able to know what others experience when they face such a hard time.
He has also brought me through a very emotional pregnancy where all I could do was rely upon him for my every need. I had to reach out to him through this time like never before. I was filled with great fear in the first trimester cause I didn't want to go through a miscarriage again. I didn't think I would be able to handle it again. But once I got to hear my baby's heart beat I started to be able to relax. He also brought me through what was suppose to be my first baby's due date. It was so hard because I experienced every emotion through that time I think that was possible. I couldn't understand how one person could be so happy and filled with joy at one moment for what was to come and just a moment later be weeping in tears cause of what I had lost and would never get to meet here on earth.
Another thing that God has done through this is give me a great longing for the things of heaven. I have a baby up there that gets to be in God's presence every single day and that is where I want to be someday. I can't wait to meet my baby.
God has also given me a husband who has been very supportive through everything that I have been going through in the last year. He doesn't understand the emotions that I go through but he is there to hold me, to listen to me, and just caring for me. I couldn't ever ask for a more loving and supportive husband through all of my emotions.
I just want to praise God again for the wonderful gift of life he has given to us. Our baby is just such a blessing and I thank God for that great blessing. Things in our life have changed and we are learning to adjust to a life of 2 kids. Soon I will write and tell you what that has been like.

A New Post....... Finally...........

Well it has been awhile since I have posted on here. I don't know if it was out of laziness or just because I wasn't sure what to write after my last post. But I have made a decision that if i am going to have a blog I am going to have to keep it updated.
What is new in my life since I last posted....
Well we gave birth to our new little one on July 26, 2009 at 11:31 am. Let me tell you about my moment of meeting my son. It was a moment that I wasn't sure how the experience was going to be in the weeks before he came. I knew that I couldn't wait to meet him but I didn't know how I would feel with everything we have been through in the last year. This pregnancy for me was a very emotional pregnancy, in large to do with the miscarriage we experienced 3 months prior to getting pregnant with our son. Getting pregnant so quickly afterwords was a little overwhelming for me emotionally, and I dealt with this emotion throughout the pregnancy. I also dealt with the approach of my due date for our child that is in heaven in April. That was a process to work through in and of itself as you read in my last post. So throwing all this in there just kind of made me feel that meeting my child was gonna be quite the moment. I just wasn't sure what it would be like.
I experienced lots of discomfort with this pregnancy towards the end, way more than I ever did with my pregnancy with my oldest child. So I was ready weeks before my due date to have it over with but God saw it differently. My due date was the 24th of July and that day came and went. We actually went to the fair to see the rodeo on my due date just to give us something to do. Sitting through the rodeo was tough cause it was uncomfortable to sit there but I made it through. Well the next morning about 2:30 am I started with contractions. My contractions continued throughout the entire day. Sometimes they seemed to be getting more regular but then sometimes they almost seemed to be coming to an end. The hard part about it was where the contractions were. They were mostly in my back and it was quite painful. As Saturday continued we decided to take our son over to our friend's house because things seemed to be progressing and we didn't want to have to wake him up in the middle of the night to take him over there just in case we had to leave for the birthing center. Well we came home and decided to try to get some sleep. I didn't get much sleep but i did get some rest throughout the night. About 4:30 am things picked up and seemed to be getting closer, a longer amount of time, and more and more painful. Well finally around quarter till ten we decided that it was time to head towards the birthing center. It seemed like a long painful ride, but once we got there things progressed quickly. Our midwife broke my water and about an hour and 2o minutes later we met our son. He was placed on my chest and all I could say was how beautiful he was. I didn't know that a baby can come out and be so beautiful. I couldn't stop being in awe of him. I just held him and held him. i didn't want anyone to take him away from me. It was something that I have waited for for so long to meet my baby's face and hold him in my arms. Let me just say it was one of the most memorable moments in my life. I felt so filled with joy. It didn't matter all the pain I had just been through. I was now looking at my baby in the face and was able to admire how God had formed him so perfectly. I could write so much more right now but I just want to get this posted and will continue what I have experienced through this time in my life.

A little bit emotional.

I know I already posted once today but I think I just need to write out some thoughts. There is one thing that continues to go through my mind lately is how can one person have so many thoughts and feelings at one time. How can I be sad and in tears but still feel joy and excitement. I guess I should take some time to explain.
You see about 8-9 months ago I went through something very hard. I lost something very precious to me. I wasn't expecting for that long but had already grown attached and absolutely loved what God had blessed my family with. The only thing is I never really felt like I was expecting. I just didn't really feel sick or tired like I had with the first. But I took a test and it was positive. My husband and I were both very excited. But all to soon (within the next week) it all came to a crashing end. I started to spot and then I started to cramp and then I bled heavy. My heart also started with a little spot of tears but soon turned to desperate tears of fear, anger, and pain. I was in the middle of losing something that is very precious to me, my child. I walked through this time and came to a place where I was ok again. I mean there were times I was hit with something that triggered tears and pain, but I was learning to live again.
It was just a few short months after this time of loss that we found out we were once again with child. I cried and cried and cried. I had so much fear and didn't really know that I wanted what was given to me at that time. It was too soon to our loss. How was I suppose to be able to get through this time. I felt that I should be excited but at the same time I had so much fear of losing my child yet once again. I lived in fear and agony for the first several weeks. We also had some other changes in our lives at this time. We finally closed on the house and were painting and getting ready to move in. Was now really the time for finding out that I was expecting. I thought no but God chose this time. So I backed off helping to much with the painting and instead ran errands and did other things like that. I had to take care of myself and my baby. I knew if anything happened to this baby I would blame myself for pushing myself too far. Well 12 weeks came and we got to hear the baby's heartbeat. That was the best thing that could have happened for me. It helped relieve some of my fears and worries. I now felt that I could start to enjoy this life that was forming and growing inside of me.
But then about 6 weeks or so before my due date for my first baby I started dealing with a lot of hurting and pain again in my life but at the same time I was happy and joyful for the baby that was coming. I never realized that one person can have such extreme emotions at the same time. The only way I have weathered it through this time in my life is to learn to trust God in new ways. I don't understand what He is doing but I just want to trust him. The actual date was last Friday and I was surprised how well I did. That day a dear friend of mine came over and helped me plant my garden. I was excited to see new things growing. My husband and I also took some time that afternoon and planted our tree that we bought as a memorial tree in memory of our baby. I pray that this tree grows to be strong and healthy. We planted it in our back yard where I can see it through the windows in the kitchen. It is helping to serve as a reminder of what God has brought me through.
Last night and today I have been dealing with a bit more emotion. My husband and I were going through pictures last night and we came upon pictures of that time in our life. The birthday party where we announced that we were expecting, the day we went to the dam to say goodbye to what remained of our baby. These all just brought on fresh tears. I will be honest that I cried a good cry again last night. Today I had some friends come over for lunch. It was a beautiful thing. My one friend has a baby. He is about 7 months old. I got to hold him while he was sleeping. It was so precious just to be able to love and hold her baby. I know to many it might not make sense as to why a 7 month old would bring tears to my eyes, but it did and I am ok with that. I have read several books and know that it is still ok to feel this way. I know and trust that God is my Rock and God of Comfort. I know that he is helping me through this time.
I also know that as the day approaches nearer and nearer for this coming baby I am filled with joy that I will be able to love and hold this one that God has blessed us with. I thank God for being in the middle of all my emotions and feelings. I am glad that he is the one who is in control. I am glad that I can cast all my burdens upon him, for he cares for me. I am learning through each step I take that each life that God blesses us with as parents is a precious gift. I know that there are days when I get highly frustrated with my 2 year old but I just want to remember those days and times as blessings. I also look forward to the day I get to be reunited with the child I lost here on earth but who is safe in the arms of Christ.

This and That

Last night after going through some old photo albums and realizing it had been a little over a year since we have printed any pictures my husband and I spent some time going through our folders and folders of pictures on the computer picking out pictures that we would like to include in our photo albums. Sometimes I think that photo albums are a little boring and I wish that I could be a little more creative with them but I just don't feel like that creative of a person. I think it would be fun and great to scrapbook but I lack the skills to get it done. I just wouldn't even know how to start. Well anyway maybe some day I will be brave enough to give it a try.
Going through all the pictures of the last year was fun but some pictures were also very hard. There were pictures of our move from main street to living with our friends for 5 months, many cute and adorable pictures of our son, pictures of a friend's birthday where we announced that we were pregnant and then the pictures that followed our miscarriage late last August. Although it was good to see all these pictures it brought pain and tears to me.
You see this past weekend I passed the due date for our heavenly baby. The day was beautiful. And friend of mine came over and helped me plant my garden, and then my husband and I planted a tree in memory of our baby. It was also a very painful thing to do, but it was also what I needed for that day. I thank God for the peace that he gave me on that day. I know that as time continues to pass that there will be certain things that will trigger my tears and emotions, but most of all I am learning more and more how to deal with the thoughts and feelings of our loss. I also know that it is ok to feel these emotions and feelings. I know that someday I will get to meet our baby in heaven.
I am also filled with joy and gratitude for the little man that is growing inside of me. I can't believe that I am already in my third trimester. The feeling of the baby moving inside of me at all hours of the day is the most amazing thing ever. I look forward to the day that I get to meet this little man. I know that it will be a day filled with love, joy, tears, and many emotions. I am trusting God that everything will be ok with this little guy and I know that he will be a blessing to many because he has been such a blessing to me and my family already.

We are home

After 19 long hours in the car with a few stops for bathroom, lunch and dinner we made it home. Just several hours after we started off to come home we ran into nasty, nasty, weather. We were in Nebraska and it took all we had to keep our little Ford Escort on the road. We dealt with very windy conditions along with a lot of rain. I didn't actually do the driving through most of the really bad stuff for which I am thankful. We called our husbands and asked for prayer because we were scared. Well after talking to our husbands and to one another, we decided that we really didn't want to deal with bad weather again today so we were just going to drive straight through. Although it has been taxing on my body today, I am so thankful that we just drove straight through. I have been able to sleep in, unpack, take a nice long bubble bath, and then nap on top of it. So all is well, now just to spend some time with that husband of mine. I really haven't seen him since I am home cause we came home at 3 this morning and I just crawled into bed. So it would be great to spend some time with him here soon.

Getting ready to head home

It has been a long time since I have put a up a post. Not entirely sure why I have waited so long to write but I thought since I am up so early I should get it done. I am currently sitting in the guest/speaker house here in Arvada, CO for the YWAM Denver base. I arrived with a friend of mine Wednesday evening after a two day trip with our kids. The kids did pretty well considering we had a two day trip. We had to take beaks ever 2-3 hours so that I could get out and walk around to get my legs moving as I have a bulging belly now.
On Tuesday when we left we kind of got off track for a few hours. But we had great traveling on Wednesday then. On Thursday we just kind of lounged around the condo here for a while and then we went on a walk over to the base and let the kids play at the park. We also had good times with our old pastor's wife that evening by going out for dinner and then walking around at this massive mall called Flat Irons Mall. It was a great time. On Friday we participated in a worship service at the base and then headed up the moutian to the YWAM Denver base called Eagle Rock. It is so beautiful up there. We then came back and watched a movie with another friend from my former DTS. On Saturday we headed to downtown Denver to take in the 16th street mall. We walked and we walked and we walked. Need I say more? Sunday we went to a church service with the friend we spent our time with on Saturday and then came home and packed up the car to get ready to leave this morning.
I wasn't suppose to be up for another half hour but I couldn't sleep. I have been away from my husband for almost a week. I have never been away from him for so long since we have been married. I am so ready to go home and be reunited with him. It will be a great thing.
While our time here has been great and relaxing, it has also been busy and overwhelming. The kids decided that obeying only mommy's this week was going to be a challenge. They both gave us a really hard time but also had times of playing really well together. I think my friend and I are both ready to have help on the part of taking care of our kiddos. We love them but after having them for almost a week alone, it is time to see some daddys.
So today about an hour or so from now starts our adventure home. I look forward to going home but I don't know that I look forward to the 20 hour drive that is ahead.

Shopping and sick kid

Monday night my husband and I went to buy out Salvation army. Well not really. I was there on Saturday looking for some boots for my son when I saw they had a sign on the door which said that on Monday they were going to be having all clothing on Monday for $1 all day long. I came home and told my husband but pretty well forgot about it until about dinner time Monday evening. So we decided that we would go see what we could find. So we loaded our not so healthy child into the car and went to Salvation Army uptown. We were really looking for pants for my husband for work. My husband does carpentry as a living. He wears his jeans through with holes. So every once in a while we go on the search for new pants. Well we found good deals for him in both the pant and shirt department. I decided that I should go look for maternity cloths and see what I can find being as I will be pregnant in the summer this time and last time it was winter. Well just to say I got cloths for myself and my husband for under $20. I came home and added all the price tags together to figure out what we saved. When finished adding it came to about $57. So we saved somewhere around $37 by going to the sale on Monday. I love bargain shopping. It is one of the greatest things.
On another note my little boy has been sick since Saturday with a cough and nasal congestion. Saturday and Sunday all he really did was cough now and then. By Monday he had the "Nile river" running out of his nose. He has had a fever on and off and is just plain miserable. I hate to see my child sick. It makes my heart sad. I am just trusting God that he will be able to heal my son and soon. I would like it to be in my timing but obviously I have to wait upon God to do it.

Pregnancy

Last week I reached 12 weeks in my pregnancy. It is a milstone that I have been looking forward to. Partly because it is nearing the end of my 1st trimester, something that I have thought all through would give me even more of a sound mind and spirit about this pregnancy, and also because it was when I had my first appointment scheduled for. Well we went in for our first appointment last Thursday. I was apprehensive about what it would be like. I knew that it would be emotional for me being as what we went through 4 1/2 months ago but I knew it was also something that I really needed. Well we got to hear the baby's heart beat. It was the most amazing sound to hear in the world. It was really quiet to begin with because the baby was all the way at the back towards the back of my body but as we continued to listen it came closer and so the heart beat became louder. I know it may sound interesting but after hearing the heart so loud and the midwife saying everything was going as it should be, I had this real peace just fill my heart and life.
I know that I will still probably have times of doubt but I am trusting God through this pregnancy. I am looking forward to what this child will be like. I believe God has great things in store for his/her life. I will continue to pray into that for our child and claim these things that I have spoken. I know that it will be a blessing to our lives.
I look forward to meeting you my "itty bitty." I am entrusting you in God's hands. I know that God will do great things in and through your life. In fact I believe He is already using you. You are a very special little baby. I can't wait to meet you and I know there are others who can't wait to meet you.